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July 22, 2024, 1:23 am

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Maybe you even think your husband is to blame, because he always seems to take their side. Ultimately, zealously protecting your marriage benefits everyone -- your stepchildren need to see you and your husband stay together and fight for your relationship, even when times are tough. How did I not know this? Remember number one? I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough.

So many issues a blended family faces come from the divorce, which the stepmother (hopefully) had nothing to do with. More than 70% of blended family marriages fail. One, I'm not my stepdaughters' mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be too happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog. It will teach them to do the same some day. That's theirs to tell, if they choose. Which brings us to number three.

Two, throughout most of the time I've been blogging, my stepdaughters were teenagers and they certainly didn't need or want me to be writing about them at that sensitive time in their lives. Somehow, we all muddled through adolescence and made it through to the other side. You've almost made it through! My stepdaughters and I got along right away from the moment we met, and the first two years of blended family-dom were pretty awesome. We live in a world where everyone loves to vent, whether it's on Facebook, over the phone, or during a girls night out, but take it from me -- no one likes to hear a stepmother vent about her husband's ex or her stepkids. "They convinced the city to hold a parade in my honor! " Work on that, and hope that your efforts inspire others in your family to try harder, too. Embrace it, and make the most of it. This was initially a tough one for me, because I thought my girls needed me to act just like I was their mom. Today, time and counseling have given me some much-needed perspective, and now that my older girls very nearly on their own, I feel ready to write more about the subject on my blog -- which is good, I guess, because I get a lot of e-mails from stepmoms asking for advice. I certainly don't want to make being a stepmother seem all gloom and doom, because it isn't.

And the girls came to live with us seven days a week. So let's start with ten brutal truths I've learned in my eleven years (and counting) as a stepmom, truths that every new stepmom, or woman even thinking of becoming a stepmom should consider. We are all imperfect. My own stepfather said this to me a few years ago. Find a counselor or therapist, even if you don't think you need one. Do you know that I hear your exact same problems from nearly every blended family that comes in this room?
Please don't do what I did and spend years convincing yourself that something is very wrong with you because you seem to screw everything up. Our family is still a work in progress, but the worst is behind us. This is simply what I have learned from my experience. You are going to make a lot of mistakes. As wonderful as I'm sure you are, you can't fix that. I wish I had heard it a lot sooner, because I spent years trying to do a whole lot of fixing. I really, really, really needed to hear that. You can have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with your stepchildren, but it will be different from that between a mother and child. I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters. Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because you don't. In retrospect, that was a HUGE mistake. You're keeping it together. But know up front that I am going to limit this subject and its details to MY story, not the story of my stepdaughters or their mother.

And I had two small children of my own. We've had many, many wonderful times together. Also on The Huffington Post: And then all hell breaks loose. Stepmom, let's just get something straight right now. Protect your marriage at all costs. You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. I've had several big reasons to steer clear of the topic. We are all messed up, but you know what? And in the end, that's what matters. There's almost always a honeymoon period, he said. Suddenly, I felt like my relationship with my stepdaughters was disintegrating -- and nothing I did or didn't do seemed to help matters. Or their 'Bonus Mom, ' for that matter. Realistically, you're probably ALL partially to blame for the problems in your relationships.

What a waste of energy. We are all working toward that potential, in our own time and in our own way. We all have the potential to be amazing. I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family. You are not their mother. Divorce is one of the most devastating things a person will ever go through, and no one needs to hear from you how the ex-wife is handling it, or how her kids are acting out in the aftermath.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT! " I'm not their mom, and acting like I was probably caused some resentment and confusion on both ends. Over and over and over again. Girl, you don't need a parade. Or maybe you think your marital problems are all your stepkids' fault. I am more reluctant to judge others. Four, and this was a biggie, I often felt like the world's worst stepmother. Remember what I said earlier? Follow Lindsay on her Facebook page. Three, writing about step parenting while you're in the trenches of it is a lot like writing about divorce as you're going through it -- emotions are running rampant and very few writers can steer through the subject with grace and objectivity.

Don't let it get you down.

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