10 Brutal Truths About Being A Stepmom | Life | The Naked Maja Painter Crossword
Even if they CALL you mom. Work on that, and hope that your efforts inspire others in your family to try harder, too. You can't fix what you didn't break. Protect your marriage at all costs. Silence is the best policy. We've had many, many wonderful times together.
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Maybe you even think your husband is to blame, because he always seems to take their side. I really, really, really needed to hear that. If you've got to let it out, limit your thoughts to a very close, trusted friend, or even better, tell it to your counselor or therapist. I am gentler with myself. More than 70% of blended family marriages fail. We are all imperfect. You are going to make a lot of mistakes. Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because you don't. Or their 'Bonus Mom, ' for that matter.
For me, that changed everything. You and your husband need to be each other's refuge, particularly when you're having issues with your children or stepchildren. And in the end, that's what matters. I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters. "You guys are doing great!
And then all hell breaks loose. We are learning more about each other as we go. Suddenly, I felt like my relationship with my stepdaughters was disintegrating -- and nothing I did or didn't do seemed to help matters. Realistically, you're probably ALL partially to blame for the problems in your relationships. This is simply what I have learned from my experience. You're keeping it together. YOU'RE DOING GREAT! " Find a counselor or therapist, even if you don't think you need one. I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family. One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting you. Don't let it get you down. You may agree -- you may disagree.
Ultimately, zealously protecting your marriage benefits everyone -- your stepchildren need to see you and your husband stay together and fight for your relationship, even when times are tough. You might need to visit a few counselors/therapists before you find the one that's right for you. Two, throughout most of the time I've been blogging, my stepdaughters were teenagers and they certainly didn't need or want me to be writing about them at that sensitive time in their lives. I certainly don't want to make being a stepmother seem all gloom and doom, because it isn't. Image via Zaman Babu/Flickr Creative Commons. "They convinced the city to hold a parade in my honor! "
Which brings us to number three. And the girls came to live with us seven days a week. What a waste of energy. I am more reluctant to judge others. Remember what I said earlier? We all have the potential to be amazing. Follow Lindsay on her Facebook page. You've almost made it through! One, I'm not my stepdaughters' mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be too happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog. I wish I had heard it a lot sooner, because I spent years trying to do a whole lot of fixing. To be fair, things started out great. We are all messed up, but you know what?
Or maybe you think your marital problems are all your stepkids' fault. Four, and this was a biggie, I often felt like the world's worst stepmother. I've had several big reasons to steer clear of the topic. You can tell from a quick glance at my blog bio that I'm a stepmother -- but I almost never write about it. It's okay to take a step back. I'm not their mom, and acting like I was probably caused some resentment and confusion on both ends. But then puberty happened. You can have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with your stepchildren, but it will be different from that between a mother and child. Please don't do what I did and spend years convincing yourself that something is very wrong with you because you seem to screw everything up. That's theirs to tell, if they choose. I thought it was all my fault, and I was so ashamed at my failure that for years, I didn't tell anyone what was going on. A counselor can be wonderful at helping you do this. Embrace it, and make the most of it. I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough.
This was initially a tough one for me, because I thought my girls needed me to act just like I was their mom. But know up front that I am going to limit this subject and its details to MY story, not the story of my stepdaughters or their mother. And who wants to write about that? Also on The Huffington Post: Now that I have raised my stepdaughters and had time to look back on the experience, I feel like I ran a gauntlet of tremendous emotional challenges and came across the finish line truly changed.
Three, writing about step parenting while you're in the trenches of it is a lot like writing about divorce as you're going through it -- emotions are running rampant and very few writers can steer through the subject with grace and objectivity. Going to see a counselor helped me stop beating myself up and allowed me to realize that what we were experiencing was actually NORMAL. We live in a world where everyone loves to vent, whether it's on Facebook, over the phone, or during a girls night out, but take it from me -- no one likes to hear a stepmother vent about her husband's ex or her stepkids. And I had two small children of my own. "They tell me ALL their secrets! " My husband and I didn't visit a counselor until we'd been married eight years, which was a huge mistake. Maybe you, like me, have spent too much time beating yourself up about your shortcomings as a stepmother. Stick with it and know that you will emerge from this a better person. I went into the first session thinking I was a horrible stepmom and that our problems raising the girls were unique to us and insurmountable, and do you know what the counselor told us? "They told me they think of me as their REAL MOM! " It will teach them to do the same some day.
In retrospect, that was a HUGE mistake. Be prepared to shop around until you find someone you and your husband are both comfortable with. Do you know that I hear your exact same problems from nearly every blended family that comes in this room? You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. Divorce is one of the most devastating things a person will ever go through, and no one needs to hear from you how the ex-wife is handling it, or how her kids are acting out in the aftermath. How did I not know this? Even if their biological mother rarely sees them. My stepdaughters and I got along right away from the moment we met, and the first two years of blended family-dom were pretty awesome. You will come across other stepmoms who can't stop raving about how wonderful their relationships are with their stepchildren.
Our family is still a work in progress, but the worst is behind us. If childrearing issues are pulling you apart, pinpoint exactly what's hurting your marriage and protect your relationship in this area immediately and relentlessly. Over and over and over again. Girl, you don't need a parade. Today, time and counseling have given me some much-needed perspective, and now that my older girls very nearly on their own, I feel ready to write more about the subject on my blog -- which is good, I guess, because I get a lot of e-mails from stepmoms asking for advice.
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